The One With Random Update- Vol 1

Busybusy busy, very busy... no time to update my blog. I'm busy and I can't explain to you, cause I'm busy. I'm busy and if I explain to you how busy I'm, you will still not know how busy I'm. I'm so busy that if I explain to you how busy I'm, I will be even busy. To sum's thing up, I'M VERY BUSY. Here's a little joke to put a smile on your face

One day a herd of Cows were trying to cross a river through a bridge, as soon as they reached the bridge they stop. Their Cow leader whois at the back of the herd moves to the front to see what is happening.There is 2 Chicken pecking seeds on the ground blocking their access to the bridge. So, the Taikor of the cow walk close to the chicken to talk to them, this is what he said to the chickens ....

Chicken kinda tulan with the cow bcoz the cow no manners one, never say "please" also. Little doesnt chicken know that cow cant say "please" LOL! So, they pretend they dint hear anything and continue to picking seeds from the ground.The Taikor Cow wait wait wait but still Chicken "Fark him no Free" ha also tulan ledi so he said to the chicken again ... this is what he said :

This time Chicken also tulan ledi! so one of the chicken reply to the Cow taikor lidis :

Scroll Down abit la
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.(exercise your hand abit)
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Muahahaha, I know its lame, but can't help it =D

The One With Jake Can Cook- Vol 1

Ladies and gentleman, today in Jake Can Cook, Im going to teach you how to make the famous PORK RIB NOODLES (Pai Gu Mian).


The ingredents are pretty simple really, however you can only buy pork ribs from Wooly in the morning between 10 to 12 am, they are very 'laku'. For individual who always serve noodles with egg and sausages only, you now can add this new recipe into the list. It's easy and if Jake can do it, you can too. =D

Ingredients

1. Yellow Noodles (or any color you like)
2. Pork Ribs (No beef and lamb ribs or other animal ribs you can think of)
3. Red/Pink/Purple Onions
4. Garlic
5. Carrot
6. Capsicum
7. Sesame Oil
8. Oyster Sauce
9. ABC Sweet Soy Sauce
10. Starch










Method

1. Marinate Pork Ribs with white pepper, oil- half chinese soup spoon, small chunk of salts and sugar over 3-4 hours
2. Cook the noodles in hot water untill soft
3. Heat frying pan, add oil and fried garlic and onions


4. Add in carrot and pork ribs

5. Add in ABC 1 chinese spoon full of oyster sauce, ABC soy sauce, and 5-6 drops of sesame oil
7. Stir fried for 10-15 minutes
8. Add in 300 ml of water, and cook for 20 - 25 minutes with lid on

9. Add in capsicum and stir for another 5 minutes

10. Slow down the fire, and put in starch and cook untill a gel like paste is form.

11. Then Viola!!!! Its cooked, pork rib is then ready to serve with noodles.

Mmmmm... you would never know untill you had tried it.

Okay folks, thats all the time we have today, happy trying and good luck =D.

The One With Hand Punching

Ahbeng is the cina version of Pak Pandir so automatically u also know Ahbeng mia IQ level is how high lar ... now we come to the story.

One day Ali wanna make fun of Ahbeng, so he walked up to Ahbeng and says this to him :

Ali : Ahbeng lets play a game want anot ?
Ahbeng : wuah game har ?? i like! kam kam tell me what game ?
Ali : ini majiam wan, I put my hand on this wall, then u see if you can punch my hand ok ?
Ahbeng : alah I know wan, you will move you hand when i punch u betul tak ?
Ali : eh no lar I wont move one ..... if you dont belif you punch laa

*Ahbeng punched but ali withdrew his hand and Ahbeng hand ended in terrible pain*

Ahbeng : Mahchauhai !!!! you bluff kaw me !!!!
Ali : kakakaka aduh kelakarnye!!! Ahbeng you really belif I will let u punch my hand one ka ? kakakaka bodohnye!!!!

*Ali then walks away luffing his ass off*

Ahbeng then walks away with a painful hand, he passing this field when he saw his frend Mutu suddenly this evil thot came to his mind and he wanna play the same trick on Mutu. He fast fast call Mutu.

Ahbeng : Mutu Mutu!!
Mutu : Dei Ahbeng ape jerit jerit ? lu ingat ini cite hindustan ka ?
Ahbeng : No lar i got this new game i wanna share with you mah, I sked you chow liow so I call u wait for me lar
Mutu : hah ? what game so excited wan lu ?
Ahbeng : Just now Ali play with me very fun wan leh .... so now i teach u how to play lar wan anot ?
Mutu : Want la but u tell me how to play 1st lar
Ahbeng : lidis wan, I put my hand on a wall and then u try to punch my hand ok ?
Mutu : wuah lu mau tipu saya ka ? later you move your hand how ??
Ahbeng : I promised lu lar I wont move wan .... you dont trust me meh ?
Mutu : hmm ... ok la I trust lu ... come come lets play
Ahbeng : Aiyah .... we in the middle of a padang laaa where got wall here ??
Mutu : then how ? knot play ledi har ?
Ahbeng : AAHHH!!! nebermind!!! I got idea! instead of wall I will use my face! i will put my hand against my face and you see if can punch my hand anot ok?

The One With Photoshop

Yo yo yo, Check out the link below

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3159/2807838577_83cbed0126_o.jpg?t=1053139

It's about a guy trying to get some photoshop help in forum, however he is getting more than he ask for.

The One With Sickness Rule

While people have no problem sleeping whole day, poor me can't even have an hour good nite sleep. I feel awful, food that I usually crave now drives me away and my favorite porns turn me off. Worse of all, it comes with coughing..... is there anything else deadlier than this? It had tortured me more than 3 WEEKS, not 3 seconds, 3 minutes, 3 hours and 3 days, but 3 freaking WEEKS. In the other hand, assigments are piling like Everest since what is in your mind is to get some rest. There are a few things that I can do to get rid of it


1. Counsult a GP

I need to consult a GP, but they fucking need me to make an appoinemnt first,
leaving me no choice but to wait my natural body defense mechanism to do their jobs. The fact is that how long??????????

2. Buy Cough medicine

I want to buy some cough medicine from the chemist, but without a doctor's presription? Sigh...I think they will sell me cough candy instead of medicine.

3. Sleep

Darn it, this had always been my favorite moves. But the fact is that, my body wont let me.

4. ????

This will be last assortment since non of the above works. I read some websites about coughing and there is one not medically proven method I can try. DIY cough concoction. I wander if it works, but the formular is relatively simple and I persoanlly feels that it wont cause any harm. Here is the formula




All you have to do is dissolve the salt into a glass of warm water then glup glup glup...and say a little prayer, poooooofff you are heal (hopefully). =(

The One With Fruits and Trees instead of Birds and Bees

Ahbeng and Ahlian has been married for 20+ yrs ledi by now both of them also in their 50s ... so one day they sat down like usual to have their dinner ......

Ahbeng is at the dinner table with his wife Ahlian and their son (Lobert) and daughter (Lulu) whois in their teens, suddenly Lobert ask Ahbeng, “oi oldman! I curious hor …. How many kinda nenens are there in this world ar ?”

Ahbeng think think for a while then he give Lobert his wise answer

Ahbeng : there is 3 kinda nenens in this world, in the 20’s a girl nenens is like a melon ROUND and FIRM! In their 30s and 40s its like pears, still NICE and JUICY but SAGGING abit ledi la … then the last one is after 50s their nenens is like ONIONS.

Lobert : Onions ??? Why Onions ??

Ahbeng : Yes Onion, bcoz if look at them long enuff it will make u cry….
Lobert : =.=



This conversation makes Ahlian and Lulu tulan ledi, so in retaliation Lulu asked her mum :

Lulu : Ahmah, how many types of jiao jiao is there in this world?

Ahlian : Well doter, lets see … a man in his 20s is like an oak tree STRONG, POWDERFOOL and HARD! Then there is man in theirs 30s and 40s which is like a birch FLEXIBLE but still RELIABLE

Lulu : then after that is what ?

Ahlian : After that would be like your dad whois in his 50s, he is like a Christmas tree!!!

Lulu : Ah ?? Christmas tree ???? why Christmas tree Ahmah?

Ahlian : Because they are dead from the root up and their balls are just for decoration purposes only!!!

The One With My New hair

It was last wednesday, I have this surge of feeling to get a hair cut. Before having a hair cut, ofcourse I had to decide where to cut it. I make a list of barbers that I had in mind.

1.Zohan the Hairdresser
Location: Launceston City
Price: AUD $10
Disadvantage: Very far

2. The One near KFC
Location: Mowbray
Price: Unknown
Disadvantage: Need to make an appoinment..ZZzzz BIG BUSINESS MEH? I want to get a hair cut now!!

3. The One in TUU
Location: Infront of me (I was on my way home, and stop by TUU)
Price: AUD $17
Disadvantage: Afraid they dunno how to cut Asian Hair Style.

And the nomineee goes to.........................................................................................................................................................................TUU the barber shop!!

Kay, after decide where to cut, now I have to think of a hair style to cut. I always dream of having this hair style



but I know it wouldn't look like that when it's on me. So... I think of another one which is



Classic yea..but same problem again. Kay one more, how about this



Number 4, thats what they call in Malaysia. Feels like back to middle school, young and hung. But still that's not my face with it. Well, I stand there and thought out for a while, then walk in TUU and bought a bottle of juice, and head straight to the barber shop. After 40 minutes, this is how it looks like
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.[Almost there]
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Don't underestimate my mid school look, girls dig it, and thats my secret weapon. Mua ha ha ha ha ha.

The One With Drive Through ATM

There is this bank that is hiring AhBeng n its crews to come out with a set of guidelines on how to use this new facilities they are going to introduce at the end of this year. Of coz since this is a top secret project and we dunwan any other banks to launch before we do so we are not gonna announce the name of the bank which hired us. So stop asking ledi!

Anyway, Ahbeng (n the geng) interview close to 5000 people both males, females, ahkuas and shamales and after 9 months of hard work we finally came out with a set of policy that is fair for all, including ahkuas and shemale also! Totally no discrimination at all!

Ahbeng concluded that 2 sets of manual are needed, one for males and one for females as for shemales and ahkuas, its up to them to decide which set is best for them.

Here are the proper way showing you how to properly utilise the Drive Thru Atm Machines, without leaving your car.


For males, the procedure is kinda simple .. just a 7 steps procedures and here izzit.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind window up.
7. Drive off.


For females, their procedure is kinda bit more complicated, please follow this procedure step by step to avoid any complication while using the Drive Thru ATM machine.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 Kms.
27. Release Parking Brake.

I hope you enjoyed using our Drive Thru ATM services, Please have a pleasant day ahead. Thank you

The One With King and Fu

Once upon a time there is 2 flers by the name of Mr. Fu and Mr. Kingston, Fu is chinese and Kingston is New Zealander, both of them met in Canada and became good friend.

One day they decided to open a Chinese Restaurant because this Kingston is also a great fan of Chinese food. Kingston will be the financer and Fu will be the cook/chef, the deal is sealed then went on with the deisgn of the restaurants and some other details.

A few days after that they had a big argument over what the name of the Chinese Restaurant should be.

Kingston : Since I m paying for everything I should name the Chinese Restaurant "Shaolin Tiger, NgorMei Dragon"
Fu : No fucking way! I m running it, I should name it! you know nuts about chinese! If you insist of naming the restaurant I will quit.

*Kingston gave it a thought for a while.*

Kingston : ok you are right, i know nuts about chinese name but its only fair if i gets to name half of it.

*They argued for quite some time untill both of them agreed to settle on using their own name to name the restaurant*

Fu : Since this is a Chinese Restaurant my name should go first.
Kingston : Sure I m fine with that.

Both of them are happy with that desicion and they place an order for the signage to be made. A few days later the signage fler came over to install the huge sign in front of the Chinese Restaurant. Once they are done they asked both Fu and Kingston to take a look at it before they pack their stuffs up.

And this is how the sign looks like. [scroll down plss]
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The One With My Mid Sem Break

This is so so so unfair..!! Well you see, as the name semester 'break', they should have give me a break. I derserve it okay, I barely breathe for the past 7 weeks, from Monday to Friday, I have to wake up 8.30 am in the morning for lecture and tutes, lunch break is only 1 hour and 15 minutes however on Thursday no lunch break at all and bla bla blasssss... madness. Histology Essay, Lab reports and revisions pile in this one and only a week mid sem break!!?? They are insane!!! Two test were held on the same week just after the mid term break!!?? They need to consult a doctor!! All the while, I thought that Uni life is easier than college, but seems now, this notion needs a total revamp. Screw you Histology, and screw you Microbiology, someday, somehow I will beat the hell out of yea...KISS MY ****

Phew....I had finished bitching, feeling better now..........omfg 6.45 am, SHITTTTTTTTTTTT histology essay and no jokes for today!!!

The One With 'Chinese' English

While reading comments about Olympics 2008, one of the comment draws my attention. It said 'please improve on english in all signs of major roads to prevent foreigners from getting lost while touring china.' Now, lets see what really went wrong with their road signs.




(Read description at bottom left of the picture)Thank you, for being "suck" a good friend!!



I don't know how to explain this, just laugh okay.



Speaking of direct, straight to the point!!



This one laugh my arse off!! Carefully fall to the river??



Lol, just eat!! Your stomach is acid anyway =D



(Explanation)"Typo error mah".....Oh common, there is too much difference between EXIT and EXPORT!!!



I'm not a sport person, but omfg THIS IS NOT A BASKETBALL!!



This is not so bad actually, just one letter off. Or maybe, he really means no pork.



Good news to suiciders, let me introduce you the Self Terminating Machine, a cleaner way to die.



What is in it?? Oh well, its just complicated =D



No wander Burger King's is not halal.

The One With Long Beard

There is this Bhai (Jaswan singh) that works in one of the department store in KLCC as jaga (security guard la!) This bhai got this well groomed beard that is as white as snow and it does attracts quite a number of peoples all these while but never before he got into a difficult situation untill he met David.

David was a tourist from UK, hes on holiday in Malaysia and was shopping in KLCC when he met Jaswant at the entrance of the departmental store. Upon seing his beard so very the white he walked up to Jaswan and introduce himself and he told him how much he admire his beard. and ask Jaswan's permissin to touch it.

Jaswan at first hesitated but not wanting to dissapoint David he let him touch it.

"as smooth as silk" said David after he touched Jaswan beard, "how does it gets so smooth?" asked David.

"Well there is this traditionally method that we punjabis used which were passed from generation to generation." said Jaswan.

"If you wanna know I could send the details instructions to you by pos" Jaswan added.

"thanks a lot" said David, I have another request said David "Can I have 1 strand of your beard for remembrance?"

"no no no ... knot knot!!! hair is very sacred thing to punjabi, knot give to other people knot! knot! " says Jaswan

David isnt gonna surrender just lidat, he keep on begging and begging and begging untill a big crowds gathers at the entrace to see this funny angmoh begging the jaga. As the crowds grows larger Jaswan is getting worried, hes worried with all this attention the crazy angmoh created he will get fired from his boss later.

So he thot might as well give this gila angmoh what he wants and disperse the crowds before his boss get to know about this commotion.

Jaswan : ok ok will you stop all this nuisance if i promise to give you 1 strand of my beard ?
David : yes I promise!

Jaswan then put his left hand into his pocket try to reach for something .... ater a while of searching he seems to let out a soft "ouch" and pull out a strand of hair.

Jaswan : Nah! here! take it and go on with your shopping! dont disturb me anymore!

*David took the hair and look at it closely ...*

David : hey! this is not what i wanted ....
Jaswan : no no no! sir, its the same, now you got what you want pls go!
David : no no this is not the deal, the deal is you gimme 1 strand of your beard not 1 strand of hair from "other place"
Jaswan : Aiyoyo! same one sir! both also made by the same factory! the one up here (beard) is from the showroom and the one you are holding is from the storeroom! Now go!